Letting it all out.

After much mental debating, I’ve decided to let the topic that consumes my mind out onto this blog in hopes that this might allow others to talk about it, as well as a way to ask for a little help.

If you are reading this, you probably know how much I love children. I am often teased that if a baby is within 100 feet of me, I need to hold it, or known as having “baby-dar”. Tommy and I have been trying to conceive for almost a year now. I feel the need to say right here that anyone who has hinted at us that we should have our own children recently should NOT feel bad, there is no way you could have known because we don’t talk about this with too many people. Which leads me to why I am blogging on the subject. In a world of pregnant couples, I feel all alone even though I know there has to be someone going through the same emotions I am.

I guess this whole process started when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. That means that my thyroid needs a boost form daily medicine to balance the hormones that run my entire body. When my doctor finally found the cause of my headaches and 12-hour nights of sleep I was thrilled… until she scooted closer to let me know that it would probably be harder for me to become pregnant. Even though I cried on the way home at that thought, I was fairly optimistic. That was two years ago.

babyfeetTommy and I decided to wait to “try” until after we got back from Africa for obvious reasons. All of the couples around us were having “oops” pregnancies, so we figured it would only be a few months. Well, those few months passed and some unusal things were occuring that kept leading us to think “this is the month” and time and time again, it wasn’t. So we went to my doctor and gave her the calendars of information about my body that Tommy never wanted to know, but now (unfortunately) is casually comfortable with. She told us we were doing everything right and because of my thyroid condition, she referred us to a fertility specialist at 6 months of “trying”.

We went through a series of tests and at the end of each one the phrase: “Everything looks perfect” was both a relief and frustrating. A relief to know that your body looks to be functioning normally, but frustrating because I am the kind of person who wants an “ahh ha we found the problem and are going to fix it immediately” solution. The only test I have left involves exploratory surgery. Our fertility specialist doesn’t seem worried because of our positive test results, our age, and the fact that we haven’t passed the typical one year of trying that most people have to go through until they are referred to a fertility specialist.

I am pretty good at putting on a smile about it when people ask. The truth is that it is tearing me up inside. You name a place I go on a daily basis and I guarantee I have cried there multiple times. I have some really good friends that know me well enough to ask the right question or give the perfect piece of encouragement at just the right time. On the other hand I have a few people that know what we are going through that just like to make casual jokes about what “we should be doing”, while it wasn’t hard for them to conceive at all. Sometimes I feel like I must be the only person in the world who is struggling so much with this because no one talks about it. It seems more socially acceptable to talk about STD’s than to discuss infertility, which makes it a silent struggle. It is as if people look at you differently as a woman if you are unable to conceive at the exact time you would like to, which dates back many hundreds of years I’m sure. That is why I think no one feels comfortable to bring the subject up.woman_shhhhh Woman’s bodies are designed by God to carry a child, and maybe it is hard to talk about because they feel that their bodies are “broken”. The truth is that you can pee on every ovulation kit that is out there, measure your BBT every hour of the day, plot out every calendar, and still you have only a 20% chance every month of getting pregnant, which you can’t really control anyway.

I have googled this issue to death and no longer allow myself to read the heart-breaking stories or statistics about it that you can find online. I know there are couples who have been struggling with this for 10 times as long as we have, and I can’t even imagine how they are coping with it. It is getting to the point where it is hard for me to see a pregnant woman without feeling sad and I NEVER wanted nor thought I would get to that point and I am doing everything possible to reverse those thoughts and emotions. School just ended and on the last day I found myself sobbing at my desk while my students were at Music. I think that I was a little more attached to this bunch because while we were silently struggling to have a child of our own, I still got to see those 28 children and care for them and teach them each day. They were a tiny dose of therapy without even knowing.

Let me just say that Tommy could possibly be the most sensitive, wonderful, thoughtful man alive. He has been to every doctor appointment to hold my hand even if he had to drive 30-minutes for a 5-minute appointment. He knows every month when to send an encouraging email with words to make any heart melt. He prays and prays and prays and has undeniable faith that it will happen. I would not, and could not go through this without such a wonderful friend and husband. We both feel like we would make good parents, but I am sure that is no different from any other couple. We also feel that God placed this on our hearts, we just need to wait and listen for his plan and not our own.

What this boils down to is that we need prayer. Lots of it. I can’t even begin to tell you how emotionally draining this process is and how hard it was for me to just spill it to the world. It is one of those things you can never imagine unless you have gone through it. It has brought Tommy and I to a new appreciation for each other and our marriage is stronger than ever, but on an individual-emotional level, I know I am paddling upstream and it is getting increasingly harder for Tommy as well. So we ask you for prayer. Bold prayer. Prayer for patience, prayer for strength, prayer for guidance, prayer for a child.

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6 thoughts on “Letting it all out.

  1. Missy and Tom,
    I am so happy you put this out there for everyone to see. I believe so much in the power of prayer and so allowing more people to know about your heartaches and pain as you go through this, giving more people the opportunity to pray for you both, will only strengthen the both of you in many ways.
    I also believe strongly that God does have a plan. You two are finally taking that amazing honeymoon you have been dreaming of for years! You have sacrificed every vacation, every bit of “time off” to be with family or to serve the Lord with your youth groups. Now the Lord has given you this opportunity to give some time to yourselves, as a happy married couple. You will be exploring a foreign country, drinking wine, eating amazing food, seeing wonderful people and things, and simply having a fantastic honeymoon! Though I know you would trade all of that to have a baby right now, God has another plan. I truly truly believe he gives babies to couples who ask for them at just the PERFECT time. I believe he wants you to experience your honeymoon before you have a baby! I also truly think that when you get home from your trip it will only be a matter of time before you, Missy, feel the beautiful kicks of a brand new baby! Have faith my wonderful cousins! It will happen to you! I have NO doubt in my mind that God wants to make parents out of you!!!!! Just put your faith in His hands that He knows the timing of these things!
    You know you can believe me when I say I know what you are going through. I know the pain and anguish of waiting. Sadly, I know the pain and anguish of now losing two (or three) babies. I’m learning, slowly but surely, that my faith in God, the love of my husband and son, and the knowledge that there are MANY MANY others who have experienced much worse than I in the path of conception are what gets me through the hard times.
    You both have everything going for you and trust me, that can make all the difference in the world! Your faith in God is beyond anyone else I know. Your true TRUE Christian FAITH is unfathomable. Don’t give up hope. Please know Hotan and I are hear to talk any time, day or night. Our prayers are said for you EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
    I love you both so much and can’t wait to embrace you on Saturday!!!!!!!!
    -Aubs

  2. Hey Miss (and Tom).
    I’m sitting here at my desk in school close to tears! Good thing it’s planning period.
    I, too, am glad you shared your struggle with the world. I’ve known about it for a little bit of time (Thanksgiving-ish?) but haven’t asked much since because I worry you’re too stressed to discuss. All the same, you’re always in my thoughts in prayers. I know it isn’t right, but lately on my own path I haven’t been praying nearly as often as I should. When I do, my prayers are often quite selective and short…something I should probably work on. And yet every day I pray for you guys. You’re at the top of my list. I know how much you want it. And I know how much you deserve it.
    I couldn’t agree with aubrey more that there is a time that is perfect and it comes to everybody exactly when it should. I think – more like know – that your time is coming. At the same time my heart hurts for you both. Having a baby is a LOT harder than high school health teachers let on! I’m surrounded by young mom’s or hopeful women every day now (Mt. Airy seems to be simply blossoming with them) and I hear and see the struggle for pregnancy all the time. You are definitely not alone. Far, far from it.
    You’re right to stay away from the internet. It’s the devil! I remember googling to find reasons for getting weird cramps freshmen year of college and I went to the hospital sure I was going to die by the end of the day. Finding out what it TRULY was makes for a good story… that I’ll tell you later if you don’t already know.
    In any case, I’m so sorry for your struggles. I wish I could be there now to give you a hug (I guess it’ll have to wait till tomorrow) and tell you I know it will be fine. It WILL be fine. I don’t know how or when, but I am positive that you WILL have children. Not just one. One day you’ll be like our Granny – had the hardest time getting pregnant with her first one. When she went to see the same doctor after getting pregnant with her fifth, he asked her if she was still worried about being infertile. It’s an age old struggle and I wish we talked about it more, like you said. We simply don’t talk about it enough. But we’re all behind you guys. I agree with Aubrey, it’s going to happen soon. And it will happen right on time. Until then, though, you have a LOT of shoulders to lean on!!! WE LOVE YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!! And I can’t WAIT to see you both!!

    I will pray and pray and pray.
    All my love to you guys.
    -Hg

  3. Oh Miss. I’m glad you’re writing about this but so sad to hear that this has been harder than you’ve been letting on. I am confident that God’s timing will be perfect for you. Whether that baby is still a little egg inside you, a baby who has already been born to a mama who can’t care for her, or a little boy you meet at an orphanage in Ghana, we know the Lord will be faithful to meet your need at just the right moment, for you and your children. I hope that the uber-stressful job of teaching will give way to moments of peace, grace and serenity this summer. That may be just what your body needs! I have no idea what it’s like to be experiencing this kind of frustration, but know that we love you immensely and want to support you in any way we can. Praise to the one who knows our sorrow before it reaches our lips.

  4. oh baby girl, you know if I could take away your pain I would. If a kiss on the forehead or a popsicle or a hug or a tackle in the front yard, red bag and all would make it happen I would. You are a wonderful and amazing daughter and I know God has a plan for you in the mothering department. Iam still available for cry in your mama’s lap afternoons if you need me. I can’t imagine your sorrow and distress as my infertility came after 2 healthy children, but I do know what its like to loose a baby and that pain and sorrow might come a little close to your struggles, so you know my heart aches as every month passes with you.
    So enjoy your summer with your amazing husband. You both deserve it. If you end up with a whole baseball team, you know your Dad and Shannon and i will be there for you both… love and hugs and kisses, MOM

  5. Thank you for your honestly and openness, Missy. I think you have accurately named it the silent struggle. I do not want to say that we’re dealing with the pain you were, but Eric and I are praying that we’ll have children soon–knowing that God’s timing will be perfect. You are so blessed with your three! 🙂

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